


Collide

by inkfish



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: F/M, M/M, blowjobs and sex, post-trk, pynch - Freeform, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-11 22:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7072639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkfish/pseuds/inkfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam wasn’t so sure he wanted to see them. He wasn’t sure why he was going home for a funeral of someone who never really seemed to care about him. All of these things kept pulling him back to Henrietta and every time he went back, he remembered why he wanted to leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When Things Go Wrong

Adam was sitting in his noon class, Western Civilizations from 1600 to the Present, when he got a text. He shifted in his seat, trying to cover the noise of his vibrating pocket. His professor, an old bat from New York City, stopped talking and stared at him. Adam stared back. She continued her bland lecture a few beats later, glaring at Adam’s figure as he slipped out of his desk and into the hallway, leaving his books on the desk like he was just running to the rest room.

He pulled out his phone- a dream one that looked a lot like Ronan’s, but with a never-dying battery and no phone bill- and leaned against the wall outside his classroom. His phone didn’t buzz often during the day so when it did Adam knew it was important. Or Gansey freaking out about another ley line they found in California, on their road trip. Adam used some of his favorite curse words toward him for that one. They were Ronan’s favorite curse words, too.

_Call me._

Ronan’s name hovered on screen with his text, the brevity of the message chilling Adam worse than the snow outside. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, wiping his free hand on his jeans.

They’d been fighting since Christmas. Ronan wanted to visit more but Adam wanted to maintain his hard-fought 3.8 GPA and they both knew Ronan coming to campus would put that in jeopardy. His last few semesters at Algonby showed a steady decrease in his grades until he begged his teachers for extra credit work to help him. Adam had been able to recover from it, mostly. But this wasn’t high school any more. He was applying to the School of Mechanical Engineering at the end of the year and needed to prove he was worthy of accepting. He still had a few basic studies to take, but if he took online summer courses again this summer he could graduate in 3.5 years and then start working in some big city.

He wiped his other hand on his jeans.

_Now?_ he responded.

_Yes._

Adam sighed and pressed the dial button. He chewed the inside of his lip as the call connected and through half of a ring before Ronan picked up. “Where are you?” he asked, voice a little muffled. Adam imagined him stretched out in bed, face half in a pillow.

“In class?”

“You need to get your things and go back to your apartment.”

Adam stilled his rocking movements. “Why? What’s going on?” Ronan’s voice was… wrong. His snark was gone, the sarcasm that used his tongue as a whip was absent and when he took a deep breath, Adam realized the muffled voice wasn’t from a pillow but possibly from Ronan biting his knuckles as he spoke. He had done that when the tattoo artist hit a sensitive spot on his arm when working on Ronan’s almost complete full sleeve. His eyes hadn’t been wrong then though and they stared at Adam with open adoration and a desperate want to kiss him. Adam sat beside him, opposite the artist, and kept his hand on Ronan’s leg to keep it from jiggling.

“Ronan. Stop fucking with me.”

A hissing noise stretched into his ear, and Ronan sighed. “I’m not. I really, really wish I was. Go the fuck back to your apartment and call me back.” He hung up.

Adam stared at his phone, both ears ringing although he rarely heard anything in his deaf one anymore. He was the Magician when he was a kid, not a sophomore in college. He left behind so much when he moved hours away to Yale and the memories of Cabeswater was one of them. He took his language requirement last year, and took Spanish 101. Latin was offered, but he had elected not to take it. Ronan was disappointed.

But the way he sounded on the phone- this wasn’t about their relationship. Ronan didn’t care where Adam was if they started an argument on the phone. One time he had been in the library, pulling an all-nighter before his math final in the morning. Ronan called a little past midnight and a little past drunk. Adam had a security guard escort him to the door followed by glares of the other students.

He twisted on his foot and hurried back into his classroom, glad for his seat right next to the door to grab his things. His teacher paused again, her contempt blatant on her face. “I’m sorry, ma’am,” Adam said, allowing his southern charm to slip from between his teeth. “Something’s happened.” And he left.

Adam dialed Ronan’s number when he left the building. He picked up after two rings. “That was fast.” Adam could barely hear him and worried he was losing hearing in his good ear.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Are you home?”

“No, but it’s gonna take me ages to get there. Just tell me.”

Ronan was quiet for a few moments. “Find somewhere private. Don’t be walking down the fucking middle of campus.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Adam said, throat tight. He glanced around and saw a small alcove of trees a hundred yards or so from the building he just left. He pulled his jacket tighter around his stomach, wishing it had been warmer today to melt more snow. Virginia wasn’t untouched by snow but getting nearly three feet in a week was new. Adam wasn’t sure he liked it.

“Jesus-” Ronan hissed and then exhaled loudly. “No.”

Silence.

Adam glanced around himself before ducking in the trees. It was a small courtyard, barely twenty feet across and situated between buildings Adam hadn’t been in yet. The sun was blocked from the small space and made it feel even colder.

“Tell me.”

“You need to come home,” he said. His voice dropped again, the rasp returning and Adam shivered in a way that didn’t have to do with the temperature.

“Ronan-”

“It’s your mom,” he said, cutting him off. “She passed away yesterday afternoon. I just found out before I called you. I’m so sorry, Adam.”

Ronan kept talking but he didn’t hear. He could understand that words were falling from the phone’s small speaker but Adam’s ears didn’t register any of them.

“How?” Adam said, cutting Ronan’s speech.

Ronan took a deep shaky breath. “I don’t know. I’m trying to find that out now.”

Adam stared at his feet, nodding. Campus had been plowed after each snowfall, leaving snow piles nearly as tall as he was, but there was probably an inch of it crunching under his feet. “Thanks,” he said. “I’ll get the train back tonight. I’ll text you when I’ll get in.”

“Gansey said Helen can come get you-“

“No. I’m not flying.” He expected Ronan to snap at him like he usually did when Adam was being stubborn. He expected to hear Ronan sigh dramatically, letting the silence hang on until Adam was forced to speak and break it. He expected Ronan to roll his eyes loud enough to hear it over the phone, say “whatever” and hang up.

“Okay,” Ronan said. “I’ll send you the schedule while you get your shit together.”

Adam brushed his hair out of his eyes, letting his jacket hang open. “Thanks.” He tried to say more but nothing came out of his open mouth.

“I keep waiting for you to yell or something,” Ronan admitted. “I don’t know how you’re keeping it together.”

Adam watched a clump of snow and the leafy shadows that danced on it just outside of the courtyard. “She watched me get the shit beat out of me and never stopped him,” Adam said. This time his voice was the one that was wrong. Ronan always described his boyfriend’s voice as warm and caring, directive when it needed to be. This voice belonged to a robot that was trying hard to be real but wasn’t. it would never be human. It would never be real. Not like Adam.

“I’m sorry, Adam.”

“I know. I have to go pack. Bye.”

“Bye,” Ronan echoed, barely audible.


	2. When Things Start Moving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn’t so sure he wanted to see his friends. He wasn’t sure why he was going home for a funeral of someone who never really seemed to care about him. All of these things kept pulling him back to Henrietta and every time he went back, he remembered why he wanted to leave.

New Haven, Connecticut to Lynchburg, Virginia, the nearest station to Henrietta, was an over nine-hour ride and several hours in a car and the earliest ticket Ronan texted Adam about was almost 24 hours away. He sat on his bed, staring at his phone, small duffel bag only half packed. Ronan sent prices of airplane tickets (he was still against being in the air, but being in a large flying machine had to be easier than the small thing Helen flew), but they were hundreds more than Adam could afford with over two-thirds of the semester left. Then Ronan sent one more text: “Helen can be there in two hours.”

_Fine,_ he responded and shoved his phone under his pillow.

His bag contained one pair of jeans, sweatpants, two t-shirts, three long-sleeve shirts, boxers, and socks. He was going to wear his other pair of jeans, a thick sweater, and his jacket. Gansey had given him a pair of good boots for his birthday last summer so he wore those too, quietly glad for their heavyweight canvas material.

Adam dropped his head in his hands, elbows on his knees. He hadn’t needed dress clothes in years. He had long outgrown all his Aglionby clothes and, therefore, would possibly be showing up to his mother’s funeral in jeans and a t-shirt.

Fuck.

How- how had she died, did Dad finally do it? Did he finally get mad enough, drunk enough, loose enough-

Adam had always wondered if there was a part of his mother that agreed with the beatings her husband gave Adam. She used to warn him of things as a child, but once he reached his teenage years those moments of whispered advice stopped. Sometimes she watched the beatings. If Adam ended on the ground she usually disappeared. No one likes watching a child get kicked.

Still.

He stood and zipped closed his bag, getting his phone and glancing around his room one more time before leaving for the local small airport.

_________________________

Adam sat on a small metal bench outside the air field, watching small planes fly overhead. His bag sat on the bench beside him, jacket tucked away inside it. He figured he still had thirty minutes or so before the Gansey helicopter landed. He wondered who his greeting party might be. The helicopter could seat five, so with Adam and Helen on board there was room for the rest of the old gang to be there to see him too.

He wasn’t so sure he wanted to see them. He wasn’t sure why he was going home for a funeral of someone who never really seemed to care about him. All of these things kept pulling him back to Henrietta and every time he went back, he remembered why he wanted to leave.

Adam could never tell Ronan that, though. Adam didn’t want to leave _him_ , but if he required Henrietta…it was something they were going to have to talk about one day and he knew that day was getting closer. Last summer, after his freshman year, Adam had gone back and lived at the Barns since he didn’t keep his old apartment at the church. Ronan and Opal had been his family then. Adam repaid for his room and board by constantly buying groceries on his way home from his summer job, helping Ronan repair the outlying barns on the weekend, and spoiling Opal every chance he got.

Then he left and things got hard. Ronan wasn’t there to kiss him awake a few minutes before his alarm. Opal didn’t perilously make him coffee every morning, nearly dropping it on the trip from the counter to Adam’s seat at the breakfast table. He even missed Chainsaw’s favorite trick of squawking loudly if no one pet her while they watched TV at night. More than once Adam woke up with one hand stretched onto the empty expanse of his bed. The sheets were cold on that side.

_________________________

The helicopter was the only one on the airfield. Adam watched as Helen, at the controls, settled it onto the cement and did all the landing sequence things helicopter pilots do. She turned to someone sitting in the front seat and nodded.

The door opened and a long, lithe body dressed in mostly black slipped out. Even from his distance nearly fifty yards away Adam could see Ronan shudder against the cold and stick his hands under his arms. His hair was still cropped short, a hairstyle that wasn’t favorited in New England especially in winter months. He wore a tired leather jacket that had strange distress marks on both shoulders like someone had taken their nails and scraped away at the material. Adam could see his mouth opening but he was too far to hear what was being said. Probably something like “fuck” and “this”.

Ronan twisted around, looking up and down the strip. Adam stood and grabbed his things, stepping out of the shadow of the hanger. Ronan finally saw him and let out an uncaged smile, a grin that only Adam got to see. It twisted something in Adam’s stomach and he returned the expression. They met halfway, Ronan wrapping both arms around Adam’s waist and pulling him close. Adam hooked his free arm around his boyfriend’s neck, holding him there for a few moments.

“Hi,” Ronan whispered, lips tickling Adam’s neck. He had more scruff along his jaw than he normally did and when he pulled back, Adam saw the circles under his eyes were darker than when he saw him over winter break just a few weeks ago.

Adam paused, still unsure of what to do when in a new public place with Ronan. What could he do without someone getting pissed? They’d been harassed before for holding hands when they went to the movies in Henrietta and Ronan knocked one guy out in a single punch and had his hands wrapped around the throat of a second before Adam could react quickly enough to pull him off. The hit had split two of Ronan’s knuckles and when they got back to the Barns, Ronan dripping blood all over his car on the way there, he threw himself into his bathroom and locked the door. Opal had been at 300 Fox Way (Maura loved to babysit) so she didn’t have to see her surrogate parents separated by a locked door and angry silence.

The corner of Ronan’s mouth smirked and he knew what he was thinking. “No one near to hit,” he said, dropping his head a few inches to press his mouth against Adam’s. Still, it was a brief kiss, a chaste pressing of dry lips. Then Ronan dropped his arms and took Adam’s hand, leading him back to the helicopter.

“No one else came?” Adam asked. “I figured everyone would be here. Even Henry.”

Ronan shook his head. “They thought about it but Maggot said we shouldn’t overwhelm you all at once or some shit like that. They’re waiting for you back home though.”

_Home._

Adam clenched his jaw. “That was nice,” he said, noticing immediately how hard he was trying to prevent his accent from slipping out.

“Aren’t you cold?” Ronan gestured at his bare arms and lack of goosebumps. His leather cuff rode up a bit and Adam could see the vine tendrils that marked the loose end of his sleeve tattoo.

“Nope.”

Ronan glanced at him, eyebrows furrowed and mouth frowning. “Hey,” he said, stopping a few yards short of the helicopter. Adam stopped beside him, watching as Ronan turned and stood close to him. “I’m really sorry about your mom.” His voice was soft and didn’t belong to him. “I know you guys weren’t close but it still sucks.”

Adam shrugged, glancing at Helen who was still strapped into her seat and writing something on a clipboard she kept tucked along the side of her seat. She was pointedly not looking at them and Adam appreciated it. “Thanks,” he said because it was easier than the truth.

They boarded, boys in the back and Helen waving a hello. They put on their headsets, making painful small talk before settling into silence for the last hour and a half of the flight. Ronan held his hand the entire time, knowing Adam’s hatred of the loud machine. He ran his thumb in lazy circles on the base of his thumb where there used to be borderline permanent car grease and oil stains. Now it was Ronan with callouses and Adam without. His work study job at the library didn’t require much heavy lifting.

Adam hadn’t been to the Henrietta air field many times but enough to recognize when they were getting close. He felt his stomach knot again and wondered if he could get the door open to puke or if Helen had paper bags stashed away somewhere like he saw in movies for people who got sick on airplanes. Ronan squeezed his hand, noticing his agitation. Adam let him think he was just nervous about the landing but for once, he wasn’t. He was nervous for what came after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is completeee! I was originally thinking this was going to be a three-chapter piece but it's definitely going to be longer- maybe five chapters? I'm aiming to post around once a week although it'll probably be less time than that. 
> 
> Thank you for the kudos! It's nice to know people out there are enjoying the angst my brain comes up with but you will be rewarded, I promise!
> 
> x


	3. When Things Start Getting Angrier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They got a house in a fucking development, can you believe that? Never thought I’d see Maggot in something that was copied and pasted fifty times over.” Ronan shook his head, watching the road as the BMW flew over old familiar roads.

“They got a house in a fucking development, can you believe that? Never thought I’d see Maggot in something that was copied and pasted fifty times over.” Ronan shook his head, watching the road as the BMW flew over old familiar roads. They passed Aglionby on the way to Blue and Gansey’s new house and Adam stared at the sign as it appeared around a curve. He shivered for the first time that day but his jacket was zipped up in his bag in the back seat and Ronan was still talking.

“I bet their housing board will _love_ her. Mismatched curtains, random shutters painted different colors,” he said, trailing off. One hand gripped the wheel and the other was around the gearshift, thumb moving back and forth too quickly to be a relaxed habit. Adam wiggled his fingers, feeling the pressure of the movement under his legs, where he had shoved his hands. When he still lived here he might have taken Ronan’s hand and kissed his palm and massaged the tense muscles. He would have done more than mutely stare out the window.

“I know this is hard right now but will you say something?”

Adam glanced back at his boyfriend. He had both hands on the wheel now, knuckles white and he can see the scars across them from his fights. Ronan’s face, normally flush and tanned from working outside so much was dark and pale at the same time and it was gaunt and Adam noticed that his hair was longer than he’d ever seen it. That paired with the scruff- it was like looking at a version of Ronan that wasn’t right, like he’d tried to dream himself another clone but one that was only similar and not exact.

“I like your scruff,” Adam said, freeing a hand to rub his knuckle against the soft bristles. He rested his hand against Ronan’s shoulder, massaging at the dense muscles under the leather. Ronan glanced at him from the corner of his eye, finally giving only the second soft smile of the day. He loosened a hand from the wheel and took Adam’s, rubbing his thumb along the soft skin. The tension never left his face.

“Do you know when the funeral is?” Adam asked, forcing himself to leave his hand where it was. “Or where, for that matter?”

Ronan pursed his lips. “Saturday, at St. Agnes. Ten o’clock.”

Adam snorted. “Of course.” Of course his mother’s death would be broadcasted at the place where Adam lived, where he found his freedom independently from anyone or anything. He wondered if his father purposely chose it because of that.

              The hand squeezing Adam’s tightened. “It’ll be okay. We’ll all be with you.”

              Adam shook his head. “I’m not worried,” he said half truthfully. “I told you that we didn’t really like each other either once I got older. I don’t really know why I came back for this.” His stomach uncoiled a little.

              “Because she’s your _mother,_ Adam,” Ronan said, letting go of him to put both hands on the wheel like a teenager just learning how to drive. “Because at the end of the fucking day she’s the one who made you.”

              “You mean like how your dad made your mom? Or you made Matthew? Because that’s not now it works in my family.” It came out in slicing words that should have opened up the scars on Ronan’s hands.  “Your parents actually liked each other, Ronan. They loved you guys. Your dad fucking CREATED your mom so they’d be perfect together. You didn’t live the childhood I did so stop this. Okay? Just stop this bullshit.” He shook his head, knowing he should stop but the way he could finally breathe now was intoxicating. “My life was survival of the fucking fittest and I was at the end of the food chain. What happened after I left?” he shot. “Did he start beating her up too? Was she the replacement punching bag?”

              Ronan twisted the wheel harshly, pulling off onto a dirt side road and breaking so fast that the tires protested and sent a cloud of brown dust into the air. It hung there for a few seconds while Ronan stared out the windshield doing nothing but breathing. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you,” he said, mouth never fully opening. “But stop being pissed at me for trying to be there for you.”

              Adam shook his head and slammed back into his seat, crossing his arms. He ignored the hot wetness burning at his eyes as Ronan reversed onto the street and continued the drive. He ignored his shaking hands and the sweat rolling down his back and he ignored the way Ronan wasn’t just quiet, he was stone.

 

The face of Blue and Gansey’s new house was stone too. A pretty, overly manicured two story thing with a small porch. The _SOLD_ sign was still stabbed into the front yard and there were small recently planted flowers surrounding the mailbox. Ronan parked the car and got out, slamming the door before Adam had even moved to unbuckle his seat belt. He doesn’t knock on the front door, just swung it open and walked in. Following a dozen steps behind, Adam peered inside before wiping his boots on the welcome mat. Most of what he could see was boxes, haphazardly labeled by Gansey’s hand in black marker. _Kitchen. Bedroom. Spare room. Living room. More kitchen crap._ The last one was in Blue’s handwriting.

Gansey and Blue were off to the side, standing beside an opened box _(Blankets)_ and speaking quietly with Ronan. Blue had her hand on his elbow like she was going to guide him somewhere else but her eyes were on his, brows furrowed and her lips tight. Gansey looked much the same, though his hands were shoved in his pockets.

Blue saw him first, her face brightening as she turned to hold her arms out for a hug. Adam returned the smile, wrapping an arm around her waist as she hugged him around the neck.

“You haven’t grown an inch since I saw you last, have you?” he said against her hair. It was longer than the last time he’d seen it, but that was at the Aglionby graduation, years ago. It was halfway down her back and held back with a bright tie-dye scrunchie.

“You took all the growing, apparently!” she replied, pulling away so Gansey could clasp his hand. It was true; Adam was now the second tallest of the group, standing nearly six foot if he stood up straight. Only Ronan was taller than he was.

“As cute as this reunion is,” Ronan drawled, eyes on something outside the back window, “there’s something smoking on your back porch that you probably want to pay attention to.” Adam looked at him while the others looked behind themselves. He had taken off his jacket and slung it over a kitchen chair that was sitting in the living room. He still had his habit of wearing his cut-up muscle tanks, although now they clung to work-hardened muscle and showed nearly as much tattoo as they hid.

Ronan’s left arm was a cacophony of colors and lines. Green vines wove up and down his skin, circling into Celtic knots. Spaced along his arm were tributes to the things that happened during their high school years. Around his wrist was a crown, very similar to the one Glendower was usually painted wearing. Along his inner forearm was a child’s drawing- something resembling a stick figure man and a small child, holding hands outside of a crayon house. It was the first thing Opal had given Ronan and he thought it deserved more than a spot on the fridge. The outside of his forearm was a golden image of a statue of the Virgin Mary, although her face had been changed to mirror Aurora’s.

His elbow and inner bicep were the most complicated parts, portraying different parts of Cabeswater in stunning detail. The leaves along the inside of his elbow spelled out _REMEMBERED_ and it was that part that Ronan had to bite his knuckles. Adam thought it was because the area was so sensitive because of the bone that the artist had to drill right over, but maybe not. Lastly, the upper half of Ronan’s arm, both actually, where a tribute to the black bird that was sitting on the railing of the back porch, watching whatever was smoldering. Wings stretched from the ink of Ronan’s back tattoo and stretched the entire way to his elbow, the outstretched feathers looking lifelike especially when his skin was wet and the ink shined.

“Oh, no that’s just Gansey’s shoes. That was on purpose.”

Gansey shook his head. “I still can’t believe you did that. Actually, no, I can; I can’t believe that I thought you were bluffing.”

She turned and beamed at him before sticking out her tongue. “I said that if we bought this cookie cutter house I would burn his shoes,” she explained to Adam and Ronan’s confused faces. “We moved all the boxes in this afternoon and I lit them on fire about ten minutes before you guys got here.”

“You forgot the part where you used half a bottle of lighter fluid on them,” Gansey added, rolling his eyes. Ronan walked to the back door and opened it. Chainsaw launched off the railing and glided into his arms. He closed the door and returned to his friends smelling of smoke and wind.

“I didn’t want to wound your ego by admitting I defaced your awful boat shoes before I lit them on fire.” Blue’s voice was practically singing as she looked at Gansey again.

“I’ve been dating you for over two years now. There’s no ego left.”

Blue laughed, wrapping her arms around his waist as he looped one around her shoulders. Gansey looked at his friends and the space between them and cleared his throat quietly. “I’m sorry about your mom, Adam. We were in Portland when Ronan called us. We got a flight home as soon as we could.”

“You bought a house in the last day?” Adam said, confused. “Isn’t that a little, I don’t know, impossible?”

“We’ve been in the process of buying it for months,” Blue explained. “We knew Monmouth was gone so we needed something to come home to.”

Adam glanced at Ronan, who stood a few feet away from him with his hands shoved into his pockets. The lumps on his legs meant his fingers were curled into fists. He knew Adam was looking at him and kept his gaze fixed on the smoke outside. Chainsaw, now on his shoulder, pecked though his hair until he reached a hand up to calm her.

“So, um are you guys hungry?” Gansey said. “There’s a good pizza place nearby that’s closer than Nino’s, or there’s an Indian place that’s amazing.” Blue moved a hand to his chest and he trailed off, noticing the way the two teenage boys were standing. Dirt and stone, unmoving and unyielding.

“Do we need to have a little family meeting?” Blue said. “I get that there’s been a sudden death, but I also know that once up on a time you two could barely keep your hands to yourself.” She pointed her finger at the space between them and wiggled it back and forth like she was showing how to sew together a tear in her t-shirt. “This is something else, isn’t it?”

The silence was heavier than Adam’s course load. “Fuck off,” he said, turning on his heel and storming back outside. He passed the BMW and wished he had the keys so he could drive off and never come back. Drive off and be alone, like he used to be before he met Gansey. Drive off and just not be here, like he had been for most of the last two years. He had taken his friend’s car before so a night time theft wasn’t new to him. He doubted he could hotwire a dream car so he went to the street instead, dropping to sit beside the mailbox and its stupid flowers. His body longed to move, to run, to flee, to do anything but sit but he didn’t want to have to call someone to come find him in this neighborhood of the same houses with the same flowers around the mailbox.

He heard a noise behind him and when he glanced over his shoulder it was Blue, standing in the still open doorway. She wore a ratty t-shirt he recognized from Gansey’s wardrobe but she had sewn patches all over it until he could barely see the words along the front. She looked at him and he looked at her and she closed the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo chapter 3! thanks for reading, I promise I'll be including some good stuff to make up for all the angst! 
> 
> Next chapter will be up by Wednesday!


	4. When Things Get Tense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam has a few belated moments of clarity.

It was past sundown when Adam finally stood, back aching like it did when he spent too many hours leaning over car engines. The street basketball game that had been played down the street was over, too little light and too much hunger stopping them when a pizza delivery car pulled up to them. He arched back, trying to work the stress out of his spine. The house behind him was mostly dark except for a soft light on the second floor and the dim one from the living room. He sighed, rubbing a hand over his grizzled face, and went inside. The door swung open noiselessly and he wiped his feet before stepping inside.

Gansey and Blue were absent but he could hear someone (two someones, one much heavier on his feet than the other) walking around upstairs. Adam peered around the room until he saw Ronan sitting on a couch he hadn’t seen earlier. He sat like Adam had been; elbows on knees, head in hands, fingers rubbing at the line between hair and skin. Adam’s hair was longer now than it had been in college, too long for a kid with three jobs but for a college kid with only a part-time job at the campus bookstore anything was doable. Ronan’s hair wasn’t prickly short anymore but not long enough to grab. Adam’s hands clenched inside his jean pockets, the skin of his palms remembering the feel of that sharp hair and the times he helped Ronan cut it. Ronan took a long, shuddering breath.

Chainsaw saw Adam from her perch on an open cardboard box, watching him with her black beady eyes for a few seconds before spreading her wings and flying to him, gently batting him with a few feathers as she settled onto his shoulder. She pressed her head against his cheek and nipped his ear.

The movement startled Ronan, who sat back on the couch with his eyes wide.

“The door doesn’t squeak here,” Adam said softly, watching the way Ronan stared at him and the way he could see his pulse thudding in his neck. Ronan cursed softly and wiped at his face with his hands; had he been crying? Adam wondered and took a step toward him. “Are you okay?” he asked and then immediately regretted it. “Sorry,” he said. “That was stupid.” He crossed the rest of the small room and sat on the couch with space for Gansey and Blue to sit in between them.

Chainsaw squawked again, hopping off her shoulder perch onto the back of the couch. She traveled down the fabric to her creator, hopping onto his shoulder and then onto his lap. He gently lifted a hand and pet her using his first two fingers.

 “I- I don’t know what to say to you,” he confessed, voice raw and soft and unRonan. “Everything I say pisses you off and I don’t know how to be what you need.” His eyes are red and Adam got the feeling this wasn’t just about his mother’s death. This was about angry phone calls that lasted until 3 am when Adam had an 8 class to go to and Ronan had a field to plow for planting. This is about Opal having nightmares that Adam was never coming home, dreams he knew Ronan shared.

They didn’t talk for two days after these fights. No one else knew since Ronan never answered his phone for anyone but Adam and Gansey and Blue were on the other side of the US, crawling up California in their dream Pig with Henry.

Adam finally texted about something stupid his teacher said and Ronan responded, with no one apologizing. It was a test of who was stronger and they both lost.

“I don’t want to say fuck you and walk away from this, Adam,” he continued, eyes on his raven. “But I can’t keep going like this. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay.”

“You mean like you did earlier when you called me about my mom or when you and Helen picked me up? ‘Cause you were pretending just fine then.” Adam didn’t know what took control of his tongue to make him say those heated words and they scraped their way out of his throat. He bit his cheek after they were in the air, watching Ronan’s eyes snap to his again.

“Because none of that was about me, you bastard,” he hissed, fire burning behind his wide pupils. “God forbid I try to be supportive of my fucking boyfriend when his mother dies.” He shoved Chainsaw onto the couch and ripped himself from his seat. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he said, turning to stare down at Adam. “Is this the new Ivy League version of Adam Parrish? Too good for us high school drop-outs?”

Adam stared at his hands, loose and uncalloused in his lap. “Ronan-”

“No, Parrish. You said what you wanted. Now it’s my turn.” He walked a few steps away, moving as far as he could until his booted toes hit a box and Adam remembered when he had taken a swinging kick at one when he was with Blue. Shame burned him and he rolled his fingers into fists again.

“Why the hell are you here?” Ronan snapped, back to Adam. “You’re acting like I’m dragging you barefoot across hot coals. I didn’t realize that coming back to Henrietta would cause such a visceral reaction in you.”

“I thought it was pretty obvious why I came back,” Adam replied, still unable to keep the bite from his words. “Like you said, she was my mother.”

“And you do realize that you’ll see your dad at the funeral, right?” Ronan’s shoulders were hunched forward, his arms crossed and Adam could see his fingers pressing into his sides. It made him narrower and shorter. His curled position made him Adam-sized.

Adam crossed his arms. “I figured that. Not stupid.”

“Parrish,” Ronan started, much like he used to hear from Gansey, when saying his name meant _stop._

Adam shook his head. “Why are you calling me that?”

“It’s your name, is it not?” Ronan twisted his head to look out of the back windows, the blackness of night stretching into the room.

 _But,_ he thought, _you always call me Adam._ He didn’t say anything. He tried to imagine what his father looked like now and if he still wore the same leather belt.

“Seriously,” Ronan began. “Is this the new Parrish or just the old one being a bigger dick than I’ve ever been?” he lifted his hand to his face, wiping at it again before setting his teeth into the always present leather bracelet.

“I don’t think it’s possible to be a bigger dick than you’ve ever been,” Adam said, half bemused. His heart pounded and so much of him hurt.

Ronan was quiet for a long moment that stretched into uncomfortable. “Neither did I,” he said, unmoving.

“I’m sorry,” Adam said, allowing some of his accent to emerge. It soothed parts of his throat and heart to hear it again. His arms ached to wrap themselves around Ronan, to take those fingers from digging into his ribcage and kiss the scars on his knuckles.

“For which part? You’ve been a fucking asshole for awhile now.”

“Like you haven’t?” he snapped, leaning forward and ready to walk out the door again.

“I’m always an asshole,” Ronan reminded him. “Some days more than others, yeah, but even Opal has to deal with it.” His breath was uneven and harsh. “I’ll apologize about it when we get to that part of this talk.”

“What kind of talk is this,” Adam said. He licked his dry lips and leaned back, requiring the support of the couch to keep from melting into nothing. “Is it a breakup talk?”

Ronan stared at his feet and sniffed. “No,” he muttered. “But you seem like you’re doing everything you can to make it that way.” He sniffed again and wiped at his face again. “At least, it’s not a breakup from my end of it. Fuck if I know what’s going through your head anymore.”

 _I am unknowable_. The thought forced its way into Adam’s head and he shook it to clear his mind. He had been stupid before and he was still being stupid. He stood and took the few steps needed to be standing behind his cowering boyfriend. He rested a hand on his shoulder, moving back as Ronan flinched at the touch. Adam’s mouth hung open, hand stuck in mid-air, breath caught in his throat and in the half of Ronan’s expression that he could see, Adam saw a reflection of himself, cowering in front of Robert Parrish.

Ronan didn’t move; he only held himself tighter, trying to keep in all the parts of him that threatened to flee if Adam walked out the door again. He could feel his armor fighting to slip in place, a coarse covering of twisted words and angry fists but slightly rusted from disuse. He had let it rust, let the violence leak from it. This was everything he didn’t want to feel again. This was why he had chosen anger over sadness when his father died, when he hid his sexuality from his friends, when he realized he had accidentally brought back a half-child from his dreams. Anger was better than sadness and fear. But he was so tired of being angry.

He felt Adam watching him, trying to see his face from his position and Ronan felt that same urgency to run. To use the muscles he had worked hard to gain, to test his endurance from hours in the fields of the Barns. He knew where they were from here and it would take him nearly two hours to walk there if he cut through backyards. Two and a half if he didn’t. Less than two if he ran. His legs quivered in response and Ronan knew if he tried to even walk to the door they would give out on him. _Stop running_ , his body said. _Let him see you._ But he couldn’t do it, couldn’t turn to the shocked man behind him and he heard Adam take a ragged breath and the tension that had been suffocating the room dropped.

How long had Adam known- Jesus, since before they were together, before they’d even acknowledged feelings for each other- that Ronan Lynch was not a thing to play with. He was not a classmate he’d see one semester and never lay eyes on again. He was not a dream thing, not fully. There was enough human in him to feel and all that was on his face was agony and Adam had put it there.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. He dropped his hand and the constant fight he had against his accent. “I’m sorry, Ronan.” Something in his chest snapped and he felt the heat burn at the back of his eyes. He reached for Ronan again, fingers soft on his waist and this time Ronan didn’t flinch. Adam closed the distance between them, pressing his body against Ronan’s back and burying his face in his neck.

Ronan was trembling. His arms ached with effort and the heat radiating off of Adam barely helped soothe him. It was several minutes before Ronan could make himself turn around. Adam’s eyes were red now too, though his face was dryer than Ronan’s. When Adam saw this an expression crossed over his face like his father had just slapped him across the face again. He lifted one hand slowly, using the pads of his thumb to wipe away the dampness.

“I didn’t mean to do this,” he whispered, raw and unprotected. “I never meant to hurt you.”

Ronan leaned forward, dipping down until he could rest his forehead on Adam’s shoulder next to his good ear. “Why did you then?” His hair tickled Adam’s neck and Adam twisted into it, pressing his lips to Ronan’s neck. He pulled at Ronan’s arms, weaving his way between them so his calloused palms pressed gently into Adam’s sides.

He thought of ten bad, fake reasons why. He thought of ten more reasons although those were worse lies. He opened his mouth and the words that came out were the truth.

“I’m scared,” he said, moving his fingers up and down Ronan’s back in the way he liked. “I hate how much it hurts when I wake up without you and I hate wishing Henrietta was closer and I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore.”

Ronan sniffed loudly.  “So you’re being an asshole because you miss me?”

“Because I love you, Ronan. I don’t-” he shook his head, aware of the way Ronan tensed at the words. He was careful to not move, but Adam could feel the muscles in his back freeze. “I don’t want that to be an excuse because it’s not, it’s not even a good reason, and I don’t think I realized it until now and I’m sorry that I haven’t said that before.”

The dark haired man lifted his head, staring at Adam. He could feel the way Ronan’s heart thudded in his chest and he had to look away. He finished speaking: “I love you Ronan, and it scares the absolute shit out of me.” His voice caught at the end and he had to grit his teeth together. He wiped a hand at his eye and felt himself shaking in Ronan’s steady arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola. This was a rather rough chapter to write but here it is! I don't have a proofreader so any faults are mine alone. 
> 
> Next chapter should be up by monday at the latest- I have to work all weekend but may get a few hours of writing time in on Friday. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and staying with the story so far!


	5. When Things Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fear Adam feels all the way to his core is not one he can keep inside any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's a panic attack in this chapter. if that bothers you please don't read it! i'll be glad to summarize it for you, just send me a message!

Ronan freed one arm and brushed his knuckles against Adam’s jaw. His stare was intense and drilling and Adam had to look away. The back window reflected them, Adam nearly collapsed onto tall, straight-backed, supporting Ronan.

“Hey,” he said softly, pulling Adam’s face to look at him. “It’s okay to be scared.” He smiled, one that was softer than the expression he wore singing Opal to sleep. “I am too. I miss you so much it hurts me, Adam. It’s like that every day you’re not here.” His bright eyes searched every faded freckle on Adam’s skin. “We should talk about it more or something,” he added. “That way you don’t fuckin’ explode on me again.” Ronan glanced away, suddenly unsure. “If that’s why you’ve been acting so weird, I mean. Like I said, I don’t know what the fuck is going through your head anymore so...”

Adam nodded. He swallowed a few times, trying to get the panic that still strangled his throat to at least slide down a bit so he could speak. “I think it was. I don’t really know? I still feel really awful. Physically, I mean.” He licked his dry lips and tried to take a deep breath. It felt like someone was driving a big diesel truck along the inside of each rib and the reverberations shook every bone in his body. His legs begged for movement, his heart begged for a break in its petrified beat.

“Adam,” Ronan said, brows coming together. “Are you having a panic attack?”

He shook his head. He shrugged. He looked around for where the couch was because his legs were so tired he didn’t think he could stand anymore. Ronan noticed and guided him to sit, one arm around his waist.  
             

“What do they feel like?” Adam asked, whispering, wiping his hands on his jeans and clenching his jaw in beat with his heart. He could feel his pulse in his deaf ear. A violent gash struck across the back of his eyes and he felt them burn, tears welling even though he didn’t want them and suddenly the diesel truck went off track and drove into his lungs and he gasped.

Adam faintly registered something happening around him, although nothing seemed to matter. Chainsaw screeched and Ronan yelled but what did he say? Someone came down the stairs and they had a shadow follow them down too and he heard voices and someone (Ronan?) was pulling at his hands which were over his face and there was something cold pressed into his palm. It helped a little, brought him back so his body was sitting on that couch in Henrietta, Virginia but he still floated free like he was scrying but there was nothing purposeful about this, no freedom from the self because he was all self, all selfish for his fears and someone pulled him upright, getting more cold on his hand. They tried to pull him forward but his shoes were so heavy, why were his feet so heavy? He nearly fell from their hands onto his face but someone big caught him and wrapped their arms around him, under his arms to keep him standing. Something cold and damp pressed onto the back of his neck and he gasped again, air finally touching his bruised lungs and something spikey pressed into the side of his face and when he breathed in again he could smell sweat, hay, and the breeze that always floats through the Barns.

Whatever was in his hands was gone and his arms hung limply over someone else’s and in his next breath he could smell the lotion Opal loved to slather on her human arms and face and the deodorant Ronan had dreamed up because he had run out one day and didn’t feel like buying more so when he woke up and was frozen Adam had taken the product and used it on himself before recapping it and sticking it back in his numb boyfriend’s hand and Ronan, this was Ronan holding him, whispering something but it was on his deaf side so all he could feel was the vibration of Ronan’s chest.

He opened his eyes and saw Blue and Gansey standing there, Blue’s face strained and a plastic cup of something in her hands. Gansey, ever the king, had his hands in his pockets but wore an expression of knowledge. This was not something new to him, although new to see Adam wearing the skin of the terrified. He breathed one more time, touching Ronan’s waist and he pulled back, arms still secure and exhaled, relieved, to see his boyfriend looking at him, present in his own body again. He cursed under his breath, loud enough for Adam to hear. He tried to smile but he was so weak and shaky that it fell before it could form.

Gansey offered him a tissues from a nearby moving box and Adam took one, surprised to feel the wetness of his face and his running nose. He took another and managed a step back from Ronan. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry.” He blew his nose and sat down hard on the couch. His three best friends watched him like a mother cat watches her kittens the first time they stray from their bed. “Sorry.”

“You’ll want to drink water tonight,” Gansey said, nudging Blue with his elbow. She turned to the sink and refilled the cup she held, sitting beside Adam on the couch as she offered it to him. “Otherwise you’ll feel pretty awful tomorrow.” Adam took the water, taking a sip as she pulled the now warm, soaking rag from the back of his neck. Gansey saw his face and explained: “A temperature change helps me when I start to panic so we figured it might help with you.” He frowned slightly. “Your shirt is wet along the back now though. Did you bring extra clothes? I have extras packed away somewhere if you don’t.”

He nodded. “In the car.” His throat ached like muscles gritted for too long. “Thanks,” he told the pair. Blue put her arms around him, rocking him gently. She didn’t say anything. He put his head against hers and breathed. Adam looked up from his cup at Ronan. He stood frozen, chest moving in carefully controlled breaths. His marked arms hung by his sides loosely and his face was blank.

“Let us know if you need anything, okay?” Blue said. “Feel free to order delivery if you’re hungry. And there’s a bed made up in the spare room if you don’t want to go all the way back to the Barns tonight.”

Ronan glanced over his shoulder at Gansey with a face that said _Is he-_ and Gansey nodded. _He’ll be okay._ Blue got up and Ronan took her place. Adam slid into his arms and curled against him, shakily untying his shoes before putting his feet on the couch. “I’m sorry,” he said again. He took a sip of water.

Ronan was silent, rubbing his hand on Adam’s back. “Stop apologizing,” he said. “Please.” He pressed his lips against Adam’s forehead. “I don’t want you to ever feel bad for feeling something. No matter what it is.”

Adam took a sip of water.

“Can you promise me something?”

“What?”

Ronan kissed Adam’s forehead again, speaking with his lips against Adam’s skin. “Don’t bottle this shit up until you have a fucking panic attack.” His voice cracked and he held Adam there, hiding his face. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose. I’m not mad at you or anything, just- Jesus, Adam. That was nearly as bad as being unmade. I could feel you falling apart and I didn’t know how to stop it.”

Adam leaned back. His boyfriend took the cup from his hand and swallowed a big gulp. He coughed roughly, grimacing. “Ow.”

“What’s the matter?” Adam said, “you’re used to swallowing bigger mouthfuls than that.”

Ronan coughed again, a sputtering noise that was more surprise than throat-clearing. “Great time to make a joke, Adam,” he said, handing the cup back. “Perv.” His neck flushed up to his cheeks.

Adam shrugged. “You would have made it if I was choking. You’re getting soft, Lynch. Fatherhood is making you weak.” He snorted, not believing his own words. If any of them was going to raise incredible children, it would be Ronan Lynch. "I'm sorry for scaring you. I'd rather not experience that again either, to tell you the truth."

Ronan’s hand went to the muscles in the back of Adam’s neck; they were always tense whether it was from work or studying. Adam groaned and let his head drop forward to expose more skin for Ronan’s touch. 

“Hey.”

Adam groaned. His fingers pressed against the sorest muscles, the ones right along the base of his skull. “What.”

“I love you too.”

The truck in Adam’s ribs, still thundering around, disappeared. The tension in the back of his neck disappeared. The invisible grip around his throat- gone. Slowly he lifted his head and looked at him, face barren and tired. Raw and real. His emotions were reflected in Ronan’s. When Adam didn’t say anything he smiled thinly, a barely-there curve of his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early chapter post! Woo!
> 
> One or two more chapters and they will be much cheerier than the previous ones, i promise. I need some happiness after all this!
> 
> Thanks for reading. Next chapter will be up by Wednesday at the latest!


	6. When Things Get Dark

Ronan walked up the stairs behind him, alert to his movements in case of a misstep. When they reached the top Ronan put a hand on his lower back, guiding him down the dim hall to the room opposite the only closed door. Light shone from underneath and Adam could hear Gansey and Blue’s muffled voices. In their room for the night was a bed very similar to the one Gansey slept on at Monmouth- a simple metal frame and sheets. Utility with no flair. There was a cardboard box beside it, overturned into a makeshift side table, and a small lamp on top. Ronan turned it on and turned back to Adam, who still stood in the doorway.

“Do you want to shower or anything?” he asked. Adam couldn’t see his face because it was in the shadow from the lamp but he didn’t imagine he would want to see it. He’d dealt with pity for so many years and it was never offered by Ronan Lynch but he had a feeling it was now. He shook his head, shuffled the last few steps to the bed, and fell onto it on his side, facing away from the light. Ronan watched him for a few moments before going down the hall to the bathroom.

Adam was most of the way asleep when he returned minutes later. He jerked awake at Ronan’s touch on his arm, and sloughed off his clothing to his boxers and got under the covers. Ronan did the same, looking at his boyfriend’s back before turning off the light and blackening the room. He stayed on his side of the bed, lying toward Adam with the same distance between them as they had when Adam first arrived.

He reached out and gently touched Adam’s back with his fingers, feeling the heat still radiating off of him. He ran his fingers down the knobs of his spine, the bones thrust into spikes by the way Adam was curled around himself. The ribs under his hands expanded and contracted slowly like someone trying very hard to keep still.

“Adam,” he said to the darkness. The darkness shaped like Adam moved and Ronan’s hand rested on his chest. Under his palm Ronan could feel Adam’s heartbeat and his slow breaths and without asking he scooted over and wrapped his arm over Adam’s torso. He pressed his lips to the muscle of Adam’s shoulders and heard Adam take a ragged breath.

Adam’s left hand moved to link with Ronan’s right and he left them on his chest, clasped loosely but moving his thumb over the back of Ronan’s. He paused to say something, freezing both his breath and his hand only to resume again. Ronan waited. He did it again, holding in whatever he was thinking. Ronan waited.

“I’m sorry that was such a shitty way to tell you.” Adam’s voice was barely a whisper. “You know.” He felt Ronan’s kiss on his shoulder again.

“While watching you have a fuckin’ panic attack after finally admitting to your feelings for me wasn’t exactly ideal it’s also not exactly surprising,” he replied, squeezing Adam’s hand. “You had a shit life growing up. What was it you told me over Christmas? ‘Love is a privilege’? I didn’t really get that when you said it but I’ve been thinking about it and I think I get it now.” He wished he could see Adam’s face but he didn’t want to pull away to turn on the light. “I want to spend as long as I can giving you that privilege. I can’t undo what’s been done but I can show you the way it’s supposed to be.”

Beside him Adam nodded, throat clenched as he tried to keep from crying again. _Jesus_ , he thought. _Stop fucking crying._

“I love you.” Ronan’s words hung from the darkest spots in the room and Adam gasped deeply and pulled them inside himself. Hot tears coursed from the corners of Adam’s eyes down to his pillow. Ronan pulled his hand away and used it to turn Adam’s face so he could kiss him.

Adam shifted and curled into him, his forehead on Ronan’s chest where he could feel the fluttering heartbeat of someone glad to admit the feelings he’d been biting back for years. Ronan slid his hand up and down Adam’s back, nails dragging lightly across skin.

Morning found them in the same position; Adam’s form sleeping gently and Ronan’s still moving. He watched the room brighten with the sun through the window over the bed and it was only when the sun beams reached their feet that Adam woke. He did so with a groan, squeezing his eyes against the day.

“Mornin’ Sunshine.”

Adam grunted again.

“Well fuck you too,” he responded, smiling slightly into Adam’s hair. “I need coffee. Do you want any?”

Adam nodded and then shuddered at the chill of being alone in bed. Ronan dressed quietly and quickly, slipping from the room before Adam opened his eyes. It took him much longer to make his way downstairs but there he found his friends standing in the kitchen with steaming mugs. Ronan pointed to a fourth mug sitting on the counter. Adam took it and leaned against the granite, holding the mug in both hands to ward off the morning chill.

“Adam?” Blue said. He looked up from his study of the hardwood floor. “How are you doing?”

“Fine, thank you Miss Psychologist.” His throat ached every time he forced a word out.

She smiled. “You’re welcome, Crazy Pants.”

Ronan snorted into his coffee. “Like we’re not all fuckin crazy one way or another.”

Gansey lifted his mug in a silent toast. “What are you two up to today?”

“I need to get Opal by noon and feed the animals.” Ronan took a sip and winced at the burn that now laced his tongue. “She’s obsessed with learning astronomy at the moment so I’m sure your poor mother is sick of her questions by now,” he said to Blue.

She shrugged. “It’s the closest to a grandkid as she’s gonna get for years so she’s probably not too disappointed.” The tips of both her ears and Gansey’s turned slightly pink. They drank deeply from their coffees.

They chatted for several more minutes until Adam was the last to put his empty mug in the sink. (“No, it’s okay- we need to wash all the dishes later so just leave it there. Really. I promise it’s okay to leave it there, Adam.”)

The drive from the new house to 300 Fox was only twenty minutes but Adam’s leg jumped the whole way like it was an adventure that took hours and he couldn’t take it anymore. Ronan took his hand and held it in his lap the entire drive.

“I can feel you shaking the entire damn car,” he said as they pulled up to the house. “What’s wrong?”

Adam shook his head. “Dunno.”

Adam made it halfway to the front door before a small figure launched itself from the house, wrapping her arms around his middle and squeezing. He smiled, resting a hand on the blonde hair of Ronan’s dream child, and felt his racing heart slow a bit. “Hey there,” he said, slipping his hands under her arms to lift her to his hip. She was barely small enough to do this anymore; soon she would be too big to treat like a little girl and Adam dreaded that day.

Opal smiled brightly at him, pressing a kiss noisily to his cheek. “Dad told me that you were coming home!” Her smile dropped. “He told me why. I’m sorry about your Mom.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.

Adam turned to look at Ronan, one eyebrow raised. _Dad?_ he mouthed.

Ronan shrugged and looked away but Adam could see the joy on his face and the way his eyes lit up when she pulled away enough to wave at him. “Hi!” she said. She wiggled in Adam’s arms. He groaned as her legging-covered furry knee hit him in the stomach and he put her down so she could hug Ronan. “Are you better now?”

His face flushed slightly but he kept eye contact with the girl. “I hope so.”

“Good,” she declared. “Now Maura says we have to go inside and say hello and drink some tea.” She wrapped one hand in each of theirs and pulled them inside.

 

 

 

“What did Opal mean by ‘are you better now?’” Adam asked as they got in the car a few hours later. In the back seat Opal struggled to get her seatbelt fully buckled so Ronan twisted in the driver’s seat to secure it.

“He’s sad when you’re gone,” Opal replied for Ronan. “He thinks I don’t realize it but I’m not stupid.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid,” Ronan replied. “Although I wish you had more fucking tact sometimes.”

“Maura says you shouldn’t curse around me so much. And what does ‘tact’ mean?”

“You came from my head. I’m not going to change the way I talk when you’ve already been around the worst of it. And it means to be sensitive about certain topics. Like, for example,” he said, checking the mirrors before pulling into the street. “Maybe people like talking about certain topics in private without a nosy twelve-year-old getting in the conversation.”

Opal pulled off her boots and stretched her hooved feet to sit on the center console. “So I shouldn’t have answered a question that was asked like I wasn’t right here?”

Adam shook his head. “How did someone so smart come from your head?”

“What, was I wrong?”

“Nope,” Adam said. “Just like your father you are aggravatingly right.”

“What does ‘aggravatingly’ mean?”

“Annoyingly. Now shut the fuck up. This is a long drive and my head hurts already.”

Adam looked over at him. “Do you want me to drive?”

Ronan shook his head. “Driving helps.” He offered his hand. “As do hand massages.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i suck at guessing how many chapters this is gonna be. all i know is that this has several left and there will be a makeup for all the angst from earlier. thank you for reading! Next chapter should be up friday!


	7. When Things Get Honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t be an asshole, Dad! Let me do it!”  
> “Don’t fucking curse, child. Get your glass.”  
> Adam chewed his bottom lip, hiding the way his mouth threatened to explode into a grin. He remembered Ronan saying something similar to Matthew a long time ago.

“Adam, will you braid my hair?” Opal asked as they entered the kitchen of the Barns. “Dad won’t let me cut it short again and it’s annoying.”

“Um.” Adam glanced at his hands. “I don’t know how to braid. And why doesn’t he let you?”

“He says little girls don’t have short hair.” She stuck her tongue out at Ronan. “Which Blue says is sexist and forcing unfair gender roles on me.”

Ronan sighed, staring at the ceiling. “I said you can’t buzz your head like mine. Why do you even want to? All your friends have hair halfway to their asses and I don’t want you to regret cutting it all off now that it’s finally long enough to put in a damn ponytail again.”

“But it’s my head and I should be able to do what I want with it,” she countered, sliding into a seat at the table. “That’s what Blue _and_ Maura say.”

“Feel free to chime in and back me up,” Ronan said to Adam. Adam pressed a kiss to his cheek as he passed, heading to the fridge. “There’s apple juice, water, soda, and some gross green veggie smoothie shit that Opal made yesterday.”

Adam laughed. “She’s healthier than you are. Pass me a soda.”

“It has kale, spinach, mulch, and three different berry leaves in it!” Opal said, shoving away from her seat to stand beside Ronan. She reached for the covered blender pitcher, contents an ominous green. “It’s so yummy!”

“Let me get it, you’re gonna wear half of this shit if you grab it like that.”

“Dad! I can do it!”

Ronan held the pitcher over his head. “Don’t care. I’m doing it.”

“Don’t be an asshole, Dad! Let me do it!”

“Don’t fucking curse, child. Get your glass.”

Adam chewed his bottom lip, hiding the way his mouth threatened to explode into a grin. He remembered Ronan saying something similar to Matthew a long time ago.

“Opal,” he asked, leaning forward to rest his forearms on the countertop. “Why do you call Ronan ‘dad’?”

She paused, frozen in place while kneeling on the counter with one hand reaching into the cabinets next to the sink. “Well he is, isn’t he?”

Ronan busied himself with taking the lid off Opal’s drink and pouring Adam’s soda into a glass from a brewery outside of Richmond.

“Yeah, I guess so, but you used to call him ‘Kerah’ even over Christmas. Or just ‘Ronan’ sometimes too. I just wondered why you changed.”

“All my friends call their dads Dad so I wanted to too. He doesn’t need to tuck me in at bedtime anymore or anything and I can even feed the cows by myself but he’s still my Dad and his band-aids stick better than ones you buy at the store.”

“Makes sense,” Adam said.

Ronan passed him his drink and poured himself a water and Opal her green mixture and they sat in silence for a few moments, Ronan’s eyes on looking out the window over the sink and Opal chewing loudly. “Do you want some?” she asked him, offering her purple cat mug to him.

“I’m pretty sure that might kill me,” he replied, trying to keep from wrinkling his nose at it. “Since my stomach isn’t made for digesting mulch bits. But thank you!”

She shrugged and slurped the rest down, dropping her empty mug in the sink and running to the living room. “Come play Legos with me!”

Adam moved to Ronan, pressing himself against the still man with his arms around his waist. “You coming with, _Dad_?”

Ronan’s bright eyes focused on Adam sharply and his thin-lipped grin sliced onto his face. “If you wanted to call me Daddy you just had to ask.” He pressed his palms to Adam’s face, pulling him in. Their lips touched, Ronan’s tongue in Adam’s mouth and his battling back, memorizing the feel and the taste and the heat of it. One of Adam’s hands roamed down to grab Ronan’s ass, palming the muscles and squeezing. Ronan moaned into his mouth, grinding his hips against Adam’s and pinning him against the counter.

“Are you guys kissing again?” Opal yelled, safely hidden away in the other room. “Come build Legos with me, damnit!”

“Don’t curse!” Ronan said, pulling away just far enough to get the words out. “Two seconds.”

Adam grinned into his kiss, recapturing the lips he had missed and treated so badly over winter break. He kissed his apologies and his love and Ronan kissed them right back.

A loud crash from the living room finally broke them apart. Ronan sighed again, resting his forehead against Adam’s. “She’s going to be the fucking death of me,” he said softly.

“That’s not a bad way to go,” Adam said.

 

 

Six small castles, four robots, two space ships, and one lump Ronan claimed was one of the still-sleeping cows later, Opal yawned. “I don’t think that’s a cow, Dad.” She tried to hide her second one behind her hands but it captured Ronan and Adam as well.

“I think it’s nap time,” he said, standing and stepping over the colorful mine field. “Up. To bed with you.”

“But-“

“You can stay up an hour later if you take a nap. Jesus. Just go to bed.”

Opal’s sleepy eyes smiled. “Why, are you gonna kiss Adam some more?” she said, nearly singing.

“Hell yes I am, and I don’t think you want to watch.” Ronan crossed his arms as he looked down at the girl. She wrinkled her nose and stood quietly, tapping across the hardwood floor of the hallways to her room. Matthew’s old room, still a space for a child since he still was one when they moved out.

Adam shifted in his spot on the floor, leaning against the couch. “She’s right you know. That’s a terrible cow.”

Ronan sat next to him, taking his fingers and lacing them with his own. “Fuck you too.” He smiled.

He watched their hands for a few moments; Ronan had dirt under his nails and his thumbnail was nearly bitten to nothing. Angry red skin screamed at him.

“Chewing your bracelets not enough?” he asked, nodding to Ronan’s injury. Ronan tucked his finger between their palms and hid it from view. He stared at his feet, legs straight and ankles crossed just like Adam. Instead of plain white socks bought in an economy pack at the superstore near Yale, Ronan’s were black, a thin woven material that spoke of money without opening his mouth.

“Like Opal said,” Ronan started. “I’m better now.” He turned his head and looked at Adam, and Adam looked back.

“What happens when I leave again?” Adam said, eyes dropping to stare at their hands resting gently on Ronan’s leg. “I can’t stay here forever. I wish I could but…” He shook his head.

“Well, we need to figure stuff out, obviously,” Ronan said. “We know a few things, like you suck at being in a long distance relationship and need to let me give you a better fucking computer so we can video chat without the connection dropping twelve times in two minutes.”

Adam jerked. “I’m not the only one who sucks at this,” he said and then paused, realizing the teasing smile on Ronan’s face. “Asshole.”

“So you’ll let me get you a better computer?”

He sighed. “A dream one, sure. I hope for your sake it works.”

Ronan was quiet, his free hand drawing circles on his leg. He leaned and pressed his lips againt Adam’s. “Stay here.” He disappeared down the hallway and Adam could hear him in his father’s office, opening drawers and rustling through papers. When he came back he carried a thin manilla envelope. He weaved through the carnage of toys and dropped it in his lap and sat on the couch behind him so his knees were at Adam’s shoulders. He pressed a kiss to the crown of his pale head and gestured for him to open it.

He glanced up at him, eyes narrowed and unsure of what details were written on the papers inside the envelope. The last time the two of them had traded such an item it ended with them watching a Ronan clone violently bleed to death in a church.

 

_I, Ronan Lynch, residing at 563 Drame Ave, Henrietta, Virginia, declare this to be my Will, and I revoke any and all wills and codicils I previously made._              

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dad!Ronan will possibly be my favorite. you can't help but soften up when you have a little one, even if she is a dream and half goat and possibly as incorrigible as her maker. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. When Things Become Richer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam’s shaking hand fell to his lap, papers slipping from his grasp. There was more- pages more- but his breath caught in his throat and the words moved too much to read. Ronan’s arms snaked around his head, forearms resting gently on Adam’s shoulders as he kissed the fair boy’s hair. “Can I get you a damn computer now?”

Adam dropped the papers. “What the fuck is this.”

Ronan pressed the point of his chin into Adam’s scalp. “Shit, I thought that was pretty obvious. Damn, Yale boy, you’re not as smart as you think you are.”

“No-” He twisted to look up at Ronan. “Why the fuck do you have a Will? You’re barely twenty-one.”

He shrugged. “And I have a kid,” he said, leaning back on the couch. “It’s not like she can go into the foster system or be with anyone but Maura’s family or you or Declan. Matthew wouldn’t know how to be a parent, not for a few more decades, so…” He nodded to the papers. “Keep fucking reading.”

Adam skimmed it quickly, purposely not reading every detail of Ronan’s one-day funeral. They’d come too close to that enough times.

_I give all my tangible personal property and all policies and proceeds of insurance covering such property, to split between my child, Opal Lynch, and partner, Adam Parrish. Opal is to receive five (5) million dollars and Adam Parrish is to receive the rest of my estate. The Barns and any items on the property at 563 Drame Ave are to be left to Adam Parrish. If Opal Lynch is under the age of eighteen (18) she may choose with whom she wishes to live: Adam Parrish, Maura Sargent, Declan Lynch, or Blue Sargent. My executors may pay out of my estate the expenses of delivering tangible personal property to beneficiaries._

Adam’s shaking hand fell to his lap, papers slipping from his grasp. There was more- pages more- but his breath caught in his throat and the words moved too much to read. Ronan’s arms snaked around his head, forearms resting gently on Adam’s shoulders as he kissed the fair boy’s hair. “Can I get you a damn computer now?”

Adam pulled himself from Ronan’s arms and struggled to his feet. He stumbled through the kitchen and out the door onto the porch. The air was cold, although not as sharply so as in Massachusetts. It didn’t hurt to pull it into his lungs. He could taste the dirt and the trees and the smell of the animals and he leaned against the railing, arms stiff to keep himself upright.

Several minutes later he felt Ronan step onto the porch behind him. He quietly padded barefoot to stand next to his boyfriend, hands in his pockets.

“You’re an asshole,” Adam muttered, staring at the worn grain of the wood under his hands.

Ronan raised an eyebrow. “Because I want to get you a fucking laptop?”

Adam shoved one hand through his hair roughly, not even wincing when he felt the sharp stings of hair pulled out at the root. “You can’t just go _oh here, here’s a few million dollars. It’s not that big of a deal. Can we make out now?”_ His legs still felt unsteady so he turned to lean against the railing. “I get it’s not a big deal to you but Jesus fuck, Ronan.” He forced a deep breath again. “I’m not dating you for that.”

Ronan scoffed. “No shit.”

Adam didn’t move.

Ronan sighed, but it wasn’t out of irritation. It was expelling the old to pull in the new. “I don’t give two shits about most of the world. Everyone can go on without me perfectly fine.” He shrugged, turning his face away from Adam. “This is a just in case something happens. I want to protect those who mean the most to me and that’s you and Opal.”

“If I asked you to dream up a new one, where you left everything to her, would you?”

Ronan sighed, and it was out of irritation. “I didn’t dream it. And no, probably not.” He looked at Adam who stared at his feet. When he spoke, his voice was soft. “You’re going to do amazing things, Adam. You’ve got the ability and the smarts to change the world. And I don’t want something as stupid as money to stop you. Ever.” He moved so that his inner thighs brushed against the outer parts of Adam’s and cupped his hands loosely on his hips. “If I can’t be here for it I want to make sure it happens anyway.”

Adam didn’t move. Ronan pressed a kiss on his forehead. “I made that Will years ago. I don’t think we were even together yet.”

“Jesus, Ronan!” Adam exclaimed, finally looking at him. “Did you expect to take care of me my entire adult life or something?”

Ronan’s hands squeezed painfully against Adam’s hipbones. “I’ve been in love with you for years, damnit,” he hissed. “I have watched you fight to be independent and learn how to be your own person and do everything your own way even if it’s stupid as fuck and I didn’t stop you for the most part. But this?” he said, jamming a thumb over his shoulder to where the papers lay on the floor. “This isn’t about whether or not you can fucking take care of yourself. You’ve proven you can. This is me being selfish, okay? This is me wanting, _needing_ , to know that you and Opal will be okay if something happens to me.”

Crossing his arms, Adam glared at the three wooden rocking chairs that sat on the porch. Two were adult sized and one was much smaller, perfect for a little girl with hooves for feet.

“I don’t need your permission to care about you,” Ronan said. “I don’t need- fuck, I don’t know- _repayment_ for caring about you. This is not about buying you or some shit like that.” He stepped back, cold air rushing around Adam where Ronan’s warmth had been. “Don’t make me feel guilty for wanting to make your life a little easier.”

“What if I don’t want it,” Adam whispered, words barely touching his lips as they passed through.

He snorted. “Then fucking give it to charity, Adam.” He turned on his heel and walked back inside, closing the door behind him.

When Adam went back inside Ronan had cleaned the papers and thrown the Lego creations back into the large bin that held the blocks and a few other of Opal’s favorite things.

“Why do you need a Will?” he asked, standing between the kitchen and the living room. His arms were crossed again but his palms were sweaty.

Ronan glanced at him from his spot on the couch, looking away from the sports show he had on TV. “I already explained that.”

“No, accidents don’t happen to people like you. Did Grey say there were people looking for the Greywaren again?”

“Nope.”

“Then why.” It wasn’t a question anymore.

Ronan muted the commentators. “I’m bringing stuff back again,” he said. “It’s not often, but Opal woke me up with a melting knife in my hand last week that dripped hot metal and could have burned my hand off if she hadn’t managed to get it away from me.” He nodded to the hallway. “There’s a scorch mark on my bedroom floor.”

Adam licked his dry lips. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He didn’t look away from the screen but didn’t seem to be watching what was happening. “I didn’t know how you’d react.” His gaze dropped to his hands. “And before last night I didn’t know if you’d even care.”

Adam’s body sagged and he sat beside Ronan, covering his hands with his own. “You didn’t sleep last night did you?” Ronan didn’t answer. “If I stay here with you, will you sleep?”

“I don’t need a babysitter to watch me drool on my pillow, thanks.”

“Go to sleep. I’ll watch out for any melting knives or strange-colored flowers.” He bit his lip, watching as Ronan dropped his head onto the back of the couch and closed his eyes. Sometimes getting Ronan to do what he needed was as easy as telling him it needed to be done. “How- how much money did you leave me?” Adam whispered.

“Seven,” Ronan replied, eyes shut. “So far.” He smiled at Adam’s curses. “It’s not like I plan on dying tonight. You’ll be stuck with me for decades before you get it, hopefully.” The hands on his tightened when he said decades.

“You’re an asshole.”

Ronan smiled. “But you love me.”

Lips pressed onto his cheek, just brushing the corner of his mouth. “Yes, I love you. Now go to sleep. Asshole.”

Ronan chuckled and then was gone, stolen by the sleep he so desperately ran from.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! Chapter complete!
> 
> I'm doing Camp Nano for another story so i'm going to be a writing factory until this is finished! I'm still aiming to post 2x week. i won't let this become one of the gazillion stories that's started but never finished. good luck to anyone else doing it too!
> 
> Thanks for reading! Next chapter will be up by Wednesday!


	9. When Things Get Heated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over winter break, Adam and Ronan had not been playful like this; they had been wanting and needing and took from each other. There were spines shoved into doors, elbows scraped on barn walls, backs burned by rugs. There were bruises and bloody lips from biting too hard and avoiding each other’s eyes.

The house was dim when Ronan opened his eyes. His hands were empty and his body was immediately his own; safe. Adam was stretched out across the couch, bent knees over Ronan’s lap and head turned to the TV. He watched some horrible reality show on mute, subtitles streaming along the bottom of the screen. His face lit up with the colors from the screen.

Ronan  yawned, pulling his arms from under the extra pair of legs to stretch them overhead.

“Finally,” Adam said, discarding his show. “I was wondering if you were going to sleep until morning.”

“What time is it?”

“Nearly seven.”

“Jesus.” He rubbed his hands on his face.  “Now there’s no chance I’m gonna sleep tonight.”

Adam’s lips pulled into a smirk, the one he learned from Ronan. “I think I can tire you out.”

Ronan’s eyebrows rose several inches. He waited a few moments before grabbing the front of Adam’s shirt and pulling him upright.

Adam’s smirk grew. “Impatient much?”

“Does watching shitty reality shows get you horny? Is this a new turn on to you?”

His face pinked but he didn’t look away. “No, thank you very much. But hearing you moan in your sleep wasn’t exactly…calming.”

Ronan laughed. “My dreams weren’t exactly _calming_ ,” he replied. “Although the moaning was your fault.”

This time it was Adam’s eyebrows that rose, disappearing behind his fringe of hair.

“Is the kid still asleep?” Ronan asked.

Adam shook his head. “She came in here about an hour ago but I sent her back to her room to color and read. She was glad to see you sleeping.”

He hummed, running his hand over Adam’s jean-covered shin. Adam’s breath warmed his cheek and his pale fingers twisted the short hairs at the nape of his head. It caused goosebumps to ripple down his arms. Adam noticed and pulled a little harder. He pressed his lips to Ronan’s skin, nipping at his neck. Ronan’s arm snaked around Adam’s hips, pulling hard until Adam moved to straddle him. A contented moan slipped from his mouth as he pressed his weight into Ronan.

“Do you have _these_ kinds of dreams often?” Adam asked, slightly breathless.

Ronan licked his lips. “Not as often as I used to.” He ran his hands over Adam’s legs, sliding to grab his ass. “Before we started dating I had them all the time. It was awful.” He gasped as Adam pulled his hair again.

“Why’s that?” he replied as he pressed a kiss to the dark mark newly created on Ronan’s collarbone. He shifted his hips again, feeling the friction of their jeans and the heat of closeness. The hands cupping his ass squeezed harder.

“I didn’t know if you were into guys too, obviously. It felt a little wrong to masturbate thinking about you when I didn’t know.” He slid one hand into Adam’s hair and pulled him close, capturing his lips and sucking on Adam’s tongue.

It was a few minutes until they broke apart again. “It didn’t stop you though, did it?” Adam’s voice was raspy and low. Ronan only heard him speak that way when they were alone.

“Nope.” He grinned.

Adam smiled into their kiss. He took one hand and slowly dragged it down Ronan’s chest, feeling the pounding of his heart and the clenching of his abs as his fingers trailed to his waist. He twisted the hem of his dark t-shirt in his hands, lifting it so he could press his palm against Ronan’s hip. And then, freeing his fingers, he dug his nails into the soft skin of his lower back. Ronan arched against him, sucking on Adam’s bottom lip.

Over winter break, Adam and Ronan had not been playful like this; they had been wanting and needing and took from each other. There were spines shoved into doors, elbows scraped on barn walls, backs burned by rugs. There were bruises and bloody lips from biting too hard and avoiding each other’s eyes.

This was beginning to be much like that, though when Ronan ripped off his boyfriend’s shirt his light eyes watched the fair boy’s the entire time. Adam’s chest rose and fell quickly, a smirk on his swollen lips. He motioned for Ronan to lean forward and when he did, he grabbed the edge of his shirt and pulled it over his head, throwing it behind him to end up on the floor near his own.

Ronan pressed one hand against the back of Adam’s neck, pulling him down with bruising force. Adam intertwined his fingers in his dark hair, shoving his nails along his scalp. He moved his hips forward, feeling himself hard and trapped in his jeans and he felt the pressure of Ronan in the same state. Freeing a hand he pressed his palm against the zipper of Ronan’s jeans. Ronan rose into it immediately, breaking their kiss to rest his forehead on Adam’s shoulder.  He breathed heavily, groaning as Adam’s hand traced him from base to tip.

“You guys are still kissing?” a soft voice said, disbelieving. “It’s been _hours._

“Jesus-” Ronan yelled, pulling Adam off him quickly. They both grabbed at their shirts and put them on. Adam noticed he wore Ronan’s and Ronan had his white one on although it was inside out. Opal stood in the doorway looking slightly smug, like she caught the men with their hands in the cookie jar.

“Finished coloring?” Adam said. Ronan sat like he turned himself into stone, face bright red. The only visible sign he was alive was his pulse beating in his neck. Adam didn’t feel much better but he wasn’t the one making moaning noises.

Opal nodded. “Can we eat dinner soon?”

They looked to Ronan who was still pretending to be engrossed in the TV.

“I’ll see what’s in the fridge, okay?” Adam said. “Go wash your hands and we can go searching.”

Opal smiled and flounced off, hooves scratching at the hardwood floor.

Ronan finally moved. He dropped his head into his hands and groaned although this time it was not a noise Adam caused. It made Adam laugh though and he rubbed his hand on Ronan’s back. “She’ll forget it.” Ronan turned to glare at him. He added, “Well, one day she will.”

Opal returned. Her dress was damp on the front like she used it as a towel. “Can we eat grilled cheese and tomato soup? It’s my favorite!”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Adam said. He stood as she turned to skip into the kitchen. He cleared his throat as he adjusted himself inside his jeans. “You coming?”

“Clearly not,” Ronan replied, one eyebrow raised. “You’re gonna have to give me a minute. Don’t burn the house down.”

 

 

“I like the goat cheese. Do you know we made some last month? It wasn’t very good but Dad said we’ll get better at it so we can make our own all the time and won’t have to buy it from the store!” She watched his hands as he sliced the store-bought cheese.

“That’s pretty cool,” he said. Ronan had never told him about cheese-making. “Are you guys making anything else?”

She shook her pale head. “Dad says I have to do my homework before we can have fun and that takes forever so we don’t get to do fun stuff a lot.”

“Is school getting any easier for you?” he asked as he finished cutting and carefully put the knife out of her reach. The summer she had been pulled from a dream was filled with English lessons and writing practice. Thankfully Ronan wasn’t stupid and had inadvertently passed along a fair amount of his knowledge to her so she wasn’t at a preschool level of intelligence. Getting her to hold a pencil without eating it was its own kind of challenge. Adam’s first year in college had been Ronan’s first year as a homeschooling teacher. He had called Adam after Opal’s bedtime often, complaining of inadequacies and failures and fears. All his own, not Opal’s. How was she going to be in society if she was stunted by her creator?

Opal dug one hoof into the rug at the kitchen sink. “A little. I still don’t like social studies.”

“I didn’t either,” Adam agreed. “Although learning about other cultures was always fun.” He shifted his head to look into the living room. Ronan laid on the couch, face buried into pillows. The thin shirt he wore didn’t do much to cover his back tattoo; Adam could nearly see every line and beak through it. He pulled up the shirt he wore to cover his nose and pulled in a deep breath. _Ronan._

“Stop staring at him and cook, _pleaseee._ I’m _STARVING._ ”

Ronan didn’t turn his head but Adam could see his shoulders shaking with laughter. “You’re so impatient,” he said. “You truly are your father’s daughter.”

At this she beamed. “I’ll get the butter for the bread!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks opal. way to get in the middle of things! 
> 
> One chapter left! I hope y'all like it- it's been fun writing it! thanks for reading!
> 
> also i don't have a beta so everything is just reread by me. so if there's something wrong, there's no one to blame but me (but feel free to let me know if there's issues with anything).


	10. When Things Get Loving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, finally the sex i know everyone wants. personally, i am the owner of a vagina and have never had to deal with more than one dick at a time so apologies if anything is off. Let me know what you think as it's the first sex scene i've ever released into the world. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Adam closed Opal’s door and leaned against it, sighing deeply through his teeth. Any louder might wake her up _again_ and it was already nearly midnight. There had been entire children’s books read, scenes acted out with stuffed animals, and a monster check under her bed and in the closet. Twice.

When he went to the kitchen Ronan was standing at the sink with his hands deep in the soapy water. He was paying attention to the griddle in his wet grasp, cursing as the heavy metal slipped. “Fucking hell.”

“Need some help?” Adam asked as he stood behind his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“JESUS-” he yelled, dropping the griddle into the sink with a loud splash. He jerked his elbows back into Adam’s ribs without thinking, twisting around at Adam’s forced exhale and release. “Fuck- Adam- I’m so sorry-” He stood with his mouth open and his hands dripping. Adam was nearly doubled in two, arms wrapped around himself so his palms pressed into the spots Ronan’s elbows had hit him.

Mental check; he thought immediately. Contacts were both bone, no soft tissue. Possible bruises. No broken bones, possible hairline fractures. No damage to internal organs, the hits weren’t hard enough nor low enough on his sides. Deep breath in- painful but easy.

“Adam!” Ronan’s warm and poorly dry hands gripped each side of his face and pulled him upright. “Fucking hell, Adam, I’m so sorry.” His eyes searched Adam’s blank expression for signs of life. They weren’t brown and furious and in a round, alcohol- reddened face. They were bright and sharp and still had that deadly edge to them like they did in high school but something has softened them just a little. His skin shone under the kitchen lights and the drawing tattooed on the inside of his forearm was beautiful and young.  It was Ronan; Ronan; Ronan. He unwrapped one arm and put his hand on a wrist holding his face.

“It’s okay,” he said, voice soft. “It was an accident.” He looked for the tattoo that hooked around Ronan’s neck and along his collarbones. Vines with different flowers stretched along there, all blooming in shades of blue. Black lines also dashed his right shoulder: Chainsaw’s footprints as a permanent memorial, although she seemed to be immortal. This was Ronan.

Ronan cursed again. He removed his hands.

“Dad?” Opal stood at the entrance to the hallway in her pajamas with her blanket clutched in one hand. Her eyes were barely open. “Did you have a nightmare or something? I couldn’t feel it.”

“No. Go back to sleep okay?”

She nodded and turned around.

Adam was mostly upright when Ronan twisted back to him. The man took a small step toward him, a hesitant movement of a pack animal waiting for permission from its alpha. Adam nodded. Ronan took another step until his toes met Adam’s and pulled him into a careful hug.

One deep breath. Sweat and dirt.

Two. That damn deodorant.

Three. He leaned against Ronan and sighed. He could feel the vibrating of Ronan’s chest against his, low voice whispering apologies in his good ear. “I love you,” he said. “I’m a fucking idiot.”

“Yeah,” Adam said, just as quiet. The words were still new to hear but there were few things Adam had experienced that had felt truly real like this. His friendships with Blue, Gansey, and even Henry: that was real. Noah was real too, just like Chainsaw and the young dream girl snuggling with two dozen stuffed animals on a bed bigger than any normal one; all that love was real. And it was his to take as he wanted because it was freely given. “You’re definitely a dumbass.” It made him laugh and wince at once, ribs angry. Not broken despite Ronan’s sharp elbows, but the bruises were definitely going to appear by morning.

Ronan pressed his lips to Adam’s forehead.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you apologize that many times. Ever.”

Ronan scoffed. “I’ve never accidentally hit you so hard you’re nearly on the floor. And besides, it’s _you._ If I did that to Gansey I would have made sure to tip him onto the floor.” He didn’t talk about Robert Parrish and the bruises he left with intention, the bones he snapped and the eardrum he busted. But when Adam pulled away enough to stand on his own he saw it on his boyfriend’s face.

“I guess you should be thankful I get special treatment,” Adam said. He offered a half smile that said _I’m okay. Really._

Ronan didn’t look convinced.

Adam leaned forward, rising onto the balls of his feet to feel Ronan’s mouth against his own. He danced his tongue along Ronan’s bottom lip until he opened them in reply and after a few moments, he pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and stepped back. He laced his fingers with Ronan’s.

Ronan’s room was his parent’s old room. It took him months to feel comfortable in the space. It was pointless to leave the master room unlived in, especially when Adam came back during school breaks and they needed the extra room to be around each other but not on top of each other. Which they were anyway, but at least the bed was bigger.

The door was barely closed before Adam had Ronan’s shirt off of him, pressing kisses along the flowers of his tattooed collarbones, trailing up his neck to the sensitive spot just under his jawline. Ronan’s hands went to his waist, pulling Adam against him before exploring every inch of Adam that he could reach. His fingers grasped the edge of Adam’s shirt and he yanked it over his head quickly so they were chest to chest, skin on skin. Even after being together for years this touch always thrilled Adam. It was comfort and excitement and he hummed against Ronan’s lips, smiling.

Their jeans were next, left bunched on the floor. Adam nearly fell over trying to get off one of his socks. Ronan laughed as loudly as he dared and pushed him onto the king-sized bed clad in only his boxers. From there Adam watched Ronan nearly crawl up his body, stopping to press kisses against taunt jittery skin: his left knee, right inner thigh, a warm breath against the growing mound in his boxers. Adam twitched when Ronan kissed the skin just over his wistband and he looked up at him and grinned devilishly.

“Fuck you,” Adam said.

“Patience,” Ronan said, one eyebrow raised.

Ronan slowly worked up Adam’s torso, leaving a dark, purposeful, loving bruise on the flat of his chest. Feeling his tongue and teeth on his chest made Adam squirm restlessly under him, lifting his hips to meet Ronan’s. The contact made Ronan break away with a soft hiss. His blue eyes were dark and wanting, lips full and soft. Adam knew he looked the same. When Ronan kissed him, Adam gave his love and felt the privilege of having it returned in the same shared breath.

Adam touched the waistband of Ronan’s boxers, feeling the soft steel gray fabric that covered the last bits of hidden skin. Ronan kissed him harder in silent permission, pulling his hips up to hover over Adam’s. When they were around his ankles Ronan shifted to one side to kick them off and help Adam out of his worn plaid ones.

This time, when their bodies touched, Adam felt that thrill again and it nearly stole the air from him. He moved his hand to Ronan’s cock, stroking it with his fingertips and feeling the wet precum already gathered on the head.  His other hand grabbed Ronan’s hip and pulled him on top. The movement forced them to touch, dicks rubbing together. “Fuck,” Ronan said. His teeth were in Adam’s earlobe.

Ronan pulled away, reversing his earlier travel. He made a matching hickey on the other side of Adam’s chest, nipping and sucking at his most sensitive spots. Adam tried to pull him back up, tried to grind them back together, but Ronan shook his head.

He kissed along Adam’s inner thighs, fine blond hair shining in the light. He let his hands roam over everything but the erect cock that had desperately been wanting his attention since their make out on the couch. He pressed his lips against the delicate skin of his balls, smirking when Adam twitched underneath him. He ignored Adam’s protests as he continued his exploration.

More precum slipped from Adam’s cock onto his stomach. Ronan put his tongue against it, dragging it up the line between Adam’s abs. “Fuck,” Adam said. His hands went to Ronan’s head and tried to grasp at his hair but it wasn’t long enough for his shaking fingers. “Ronan, _Ronan-”_ He threw his head back in the pillows as Ronan took him in his mouth, warm wet heat enveloping him and nearly sending him too far. Ronan sucked on Adam’s cock, one hand wrapped around his base as he slowly pushed himself up and down. It was too slow- too agonizingly slow- and Adam had to turn his head to bite the pillows to keep from moaning loud enough to wake Opal again.

Ronan hummed with Adam in his mouth, pleased with his reaction. The vibration was low and intense and immediately Adam grabbed for Ronan’s shoulder.  His boyfriend didn’t stop though, his hand constantly moving and touching whatever skin he could reach and his tongue finding every nerve that ran along his dick.

“Ronan I’m gonna-” he rasped, feeling the heat deep within his belly.

He sucked on Adam’s cock, twirling his tongue around the tip in that perfect way Adam loved and immediately Adam’s body convulsed, shooting cum into Ronan’s mouth. Ronan swallowed it all down and the motion making Adam gasp. When he finally pulled off Adam’s vision was blurry and bright. Ronan laid next to him, hands warm on Adam’s tingling skin. He kissed the corner of his mouth, smiling at his ability to completely incapacitate his boyfriend.

Adam saw the smirk and pushed at Ronan’s shoulder until he lay back. He ran his fingers down his stomach, swirling around his belly button and through the fine hair. Ronan’s cock stood erect, looking nearly ready to burst. Adam reached for it but Ronan stopped him. He licked his lips before leaning to whisper in his hearing ear. “I want to fuck you.” When he looked at Adam again it was asking for permission and Adam rolled over to get the lube and condom from the drawer in the bedside table. Dream items, they were made to feel like nothing but skin and sex.

While Adam was on his stomach Ronan grabbed his ass, thumb close to his asshole, and squeezed. Adam could already feel himself hardening again, Ronan’s spit barely dry on his skin. He looked over his shoulder to Ronan who looked back with hooded eyes and lowered lashes. Then he disappeared from view and Adam felt his ass spread and Ronan’s tongue licking along his opening. He gasped and fisted his hands in the sheets, lube and condom forgotten for now.

Ronan pulled on Adam’s hips until his ass was arched into the air, his chest against the bed. His first and second fingers slipped inside Adam easily, muscles already warm and relaxed from his orgasm. Ronan reached around him to grab the condom and Adam whimpered when he pulled his hands away. He slid it down his shaft and added some extra lube. Lining his hips with Adam’s narrow ones he brushed his cock against Adam’s hole and, when Adam didn’t stop him, gently pressed in. it was a slow, even movement that left both men gasping as their skin made contact; Ronan was as deep into Adam as he could be.

He leaned forward and grasped Adam’s forearms, breathing for a moment to bring himself back to Earth. “Fucking hell.” The slim body under him started to move, pulling Ronan out of him before pressing down again. With a growl Ronan grabbed one of Adam’s hips and forced him to stop with a bite to his shoulder. He left his teeth there as he copied Adam’s movements and fucked him. He took long even glides in and out and every time he brushed Adam’s prostrate it made him gasp. Ronan freed one hand to reach around Adam and grab his cock. He pumped as he moved, matching the movements for several minutes before he felt himself at the edge. “Adam,” he said, voice low and hoarse. Adam moaned in response and Ronan increased his speed. With a gasp Ronan lost himself in Adam. He collapsed onto him, both bodies slick with sweat. Adam groaned, squirting cum on the sheets.

When he was finished he pressed a kiss to Adam’s spine and pulled out, careful to throw out the condom before rejoining Adam in bed. He smiled that little smile that always made Ronan’s stomach twist just like the final pause on a roller coaster right before it tipped over the first massive hill. Ronan buried his face in Adam’s neck. Strong arms brought him against Adam’s chest, gentle fingers tracing the tattoo sleeve on his arm. Each feather was redrawn with gentle weight, each vine felt simply for a reason to touch him.

He was nearly asleep when Adam spoke. “I’m nervous about seeing my dad tomorrow.” His hand never stopped but his pressure wasn’t as soft anymore.

Ronan pulled back enough to look at Adam’s face. The pale freckled man kept his eyes on Ronan’s arm but he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and pinched it between his teeth. “Stop it,” Ronan said. “That’s my fuckin job. Only I get to bite you.”

The corners of his mouth quirked up for a second. Ronan kissed those corners. “You won’t be alone,” he said. “All of us are going to be there for you. I still don’t fucking get the relationship between you and your mom but I’m glad you’re going. It can be closure or some shit like that.” His eyes unfocused and Adam knew he was thinking of his mother; taken from life in an incredibly violent way, the same way Ronan was almost killed. Dream things create dreamers that create dream things. Opal had nearly died that day too. He had never gotten the goodbye he needed.

Adam shifted against Ronan. “I figured out that it’s more so that I’m scared of him still. Of both of them.” His hand stopped. “And I don’t like other people having power over me.”

“No one has power over you, Adam. Not anymore.”

“In my head they do.”

Ronan touched the marks on Adam’s chest. “So that’s why you’re here. To fix that.”

“So that’s why I’m here,” he echoed. “I’m glad you’re here too.”

“Of course you are,” Ronan replied. “You love your dick in my mouth.”

Adam’s face pinked. “Well yeah, but that’s not what I meant.”

“What the hell did you mean then?”

He finally focused his vision onto Ronan’s face and saw the quiet, unguarded smile he didn’t see often. It wasn’t one that belonged to Matthew or even Opal. This was the one he had only seen when they were alone.

“I mean,” Adam started. He paused, licked his lips, and tried again. “I’m glad that I let you kiss me years ago. And I’m glad I liked it.” He chuckled, aware that his ribs were only barely sore. “I’m glad you trust me and Opal likes me and sometimes Chainsaw seems to like me too.” He kissed Ronan at length, pressing their entire bodies together so that even their toes touched. “I love you,” he whispered against his lips.

“I love you too,” Ronan said and squeezed his hand.

 

 

 

Saturday morning was just as cold as any other day that week. It was sunny and when Opal stomped outside in a black sweater and her favorite rain boots (pink with green frogs), she declared it to be a good day. “I know your mom died and that is a sad thing,” she said as they walked to the car, her hand wrapped in Adam’s, “but does that mean the whole day has to be sad?”

He shook his head. “Sad days can also be good ones.” They watched Chainsaw fly in circles above their heads until Ronan joined them. She enjoyed her space now and the freedom of flight.

 

Ronan drove them the familiar route to St Agnes, driving the speed limit for once around the winding country roads. The church offered free burials for those who qualified. They were not fancy: Adam’s mother would be buried in a wooden box, her name painted on the front in simple but beautiful print. Adam had been to a St. Agnes funeral before when his neighbor died. He was six and didn’t understand what was happening but his father had warned him enough to look sad and keep his hands to himself. There was a cautionary bruise forming on his hip as he stood next to the hole in the ground and he started crying because it hurt so much. His mother patted him on the back like she was consoling her grieving son but she made sure to press her thumb into the worst part and he cried out. He wasn’t the only one crying loudly so it wasn’t unusual behavior but it got his parents sympathy points from the other park families who attended.

The burial plot was a gaping mouth into the ground. The loose dirt was covered with a cheap layer of Astroturf, the green nearly neon and not even close to matching the faded yellow grass under their feet when they got out of the car. Opal opened her arms to Adam and he held her close, her hands clasped around his shoulders. She was quiet as Adam carried her to the edge of the turf. Ronan stood behind him, one hand on his back to remind him that he wasn’t alone. Chinsaw joined them, swooping from the sky to perch on Ronan’s shoulder. She ran his beak along his hair and pecked at his fingers when he raised them to touch her feathered breast. No one around looked all that surprised.

Gansey and Blue stood on the other side of the grave, hands tight in each other’s and they joined them, the sun warm on their backs. Adam couldn’t look anywhere but the pine box already in a hole in the ground and his mother’s name painted on the front. He wondered if she was wearing the gold chain necklace she’d gotten from her great grandmother, the one that was passed along the women in the family. She never took it off in life so why would she in death?

Opal grew too heavy for Adam to hold after fifteen minutes. When he put her down she clung to his leg and Ronan took his aching hand. He wove their fingers together and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

A loud throat-clearing finally pulled Adam’s gaze away from the box. His father stood on the other side of the grave, hands fisted on his hips and glaring at the pair. Ronan still had their hands near his mouth and he stared back at Robert Parrish as he kissed the scar Adam got when he was thirteen and was pushed into the bathroom hard enough to accidentally hit the mirror and shatter it. Parrish’s lip curled up in a snarl. A priest from the church stepped forward from the small crowd. He coughed quietly, shattering the tension, and began to speak.

Although Ronan was a half-step behind him Adam could feel the anger radiating from his boyfriend. He motioned to Opal to switch her parent holding and she did, wrapping her hand around Ronan’s and tugging it until he held it back. It was like pouring water around a wildfire; contained, but only for now.

The priest finished his Bible quotations and offered the floor for anyone whom wished to say a few words. Adam recognized the two women who went up. They lived closest to the Parrish trailer and the worst gossips of the entire part. Magdalene was second to speak and she glared at Adam like he was the one who killed his mother. Adam stared back, unblinking.

Adam let go of Ronan and stepped out of his arms. People murmured as he stood at the foot of the grave but stopped when he began to speak.

“As many of you know, I won a court case against my father for his years of abuse.” No one spoke; it didn’t sound like anyone took a breath. “My mother didn’t hit me like he did but she was not innocent either.” He licked his lips. “I am not saying this to mar the memory of her, but to speak of her truth. She was a participant in my abuse and that doesn’t just disappear now that she’s dead.”

Parrish growled low in his throat and stepped toward his son. Adam didn’t glance his way. He just held up his hand, palm out, and his father froze.

“I know I don’t recognize many of you anymore but if you remember seeing my bruised face or makeshift casts, I want you to ask yourself why you didn’t do something to stop it.” He looked around at everyone but the familiar faces of his friends and most of 300 Fox Way. “I can’t hear out of this ear. He busted it while my mother watched. The only reason I’m still alive is because of my boyfriend.”

Ronan’s eyes were hard on Adam’s father. Opal kissed the back of his tattooed wrist. More mutters flowed through the crowd.

“Next time you see a child with bruises don’t wonder if they fell off their bike for the sixth time this month. Don’t keep your mouth shut because it’s not your business.” Adam felt more words rising from his throat, a wildfire that would burn nearly everyone around. He nodded stiffly and retook his position next to Ronan. His back was patted by various people around him and it was only when he turned to see them that Adam realized many people in the crowd had been his former teachers or classmates or coworkers. His side of the grave had nearly thirty people on it and his father’s side had four.

Ronan’s grip was fierce on his hand and his breath hot on his cheek. “I’d get arrested all fucking over again,” he said. “I’d go to jail for the rest of my shitty life if it meant keeping you safe.”

“I know,” Adam whispered back. “I love you too.” It was becoming easier to say, especially as Gansey and Blue moved to stand beside him. They watched Parrish turn several different shades before storming off. “He’s wearing the same belt,” he said to no one. Blue hugged him.

 

Adam leaned against the BMW as he chatted with Boyd, hands in the pockets of his borrowed suit, talking about his classes and Boyd’s son who worked at the garage the first few months Adam was there. He yawned uncontrollably which made Boyd laugh. “Some things never change,” he said and clasped Adam on the arm. “Make sure to come back and see me when you can.” People milled around the small parking lot. He pressed his fingers against his eyelids, trying to massage away the headache just behind his eyes.

Adam wasn’t sure if it was purposeful or not, but he didn’t realize his father stood next to him until he could smell his sweat and the whiskey on his breath. He was on Adam’s deaf side, the side Adam had hoped would regain some sensitivity as it healed but proved to be completely useless.

“Think you’re some God now that you go to a fancy college and have a _boyfriend_?” he said when his son turned to him, shoulders square. “How dare you say those things about your mother. No one needed to hear those lies.”

“They weren’t lies,” Adam reminded him. He pressed his sweat- dampened palms against his legs. He still had the same stained boots too. Did he not have nicer shoes for a funeral? “And you know that too.”

“What the hell do you want?” Parrish snarled, his eyes over Adam’s shoulder. Gansey stood there.

“Nothing, sir. Just wondering if I could help you out at all.” He was laying on his King Gansey voice and even though it was directed to help him it made Adam grind his teeth.

“This is between me and my son. Not you.”

“Your son is one of our best friends,” another voice said. Blue. “This involves us too, whether you want it or not.”

“Adam!” Opal launched onto his side. He picked her up immediately and she twisted in his arms to put as much of herself between Adam and his father as she could. Her small fingers pressed into his cheeks until he was forced to look at her. “I love you.”

“Jesus,” Parrish shot. “This your new little family with your _boyfriend_?”

“Do you have a problem with having a bisexual son?” This voice made the whites of Parrish’s eyes flash as he whirled around. Ronan stood behind him, arms crossed. The vines on his wrist were visible and his loosened neck tie and collar showed more ink around his neck. He stood nearly four inches taller than the man and looked down his nose at him. Chainsaw rotated her head to focus one beady eye on him. Parrish glanced from the bird to Ronan’s hidden hands and Adam knew he was thinking of when he had a thorn forcibly grown from his palm the last time he tried to hurt Adam.  For all he knew, Ronan could do it too.

“There’s no such thing as _bisexuality_ ,” Parrish said. Sweat was forming on his forehead. “You’re all just freaks.” He turned to Adam without revealing his back to Ronan. “No one wanted you to begin with so you just ruined what was an important day. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

“I am, actually.” Adam borrowed what Gansey voice he could mimic. “I was around my abusive father again and refused to let him make me feel terrible. I’m sure it’ll get easier with time too.” He borrowed Ronan’s tight lipped smile and Blue’s sarcastic sincerity. “I’m sorry about your loss. I’m sure you loved her a lot.”

The snarl returned to Parrish’s face. “Fuck you. You’re dead to me.”

Ronan moved quickly, arms freed in less than a second and he stood with his chest brushing Parrish’s shoulder. Parrish nearly cowered.

“Ronan.” This voice was Adam, all Adam. No borrowed parts. He watched Parrish breathe too quickly for a few moments. “Goodbye, Father.” The dismissal was instant. One exhale later he was gone. No one spoke except for Opal.

“Adam, did you hear me? I said I love you.”

 

Ronan didn’t go the speed limit back to the Barns. He turned the wheel cruelly at each turn, tires spinning up dust and rocks. Opal tightened her seatbelt but didn’t say anything. Adam held onto the handle above the door- “It’s the God Almighty handle,” Blue had said. “For when you need to pray to God above that Ronan doesn’t kill you with his driving.” –and felt the beat of the blasting music in his pulse. Ronan was still charged when they pulled into the driveway.

Adam turned down the music. He was the only one allowed to do so without getting a smack to the chest or cursed out. “Go do donuts in the field or something.” He got out of the car and turned back to look inside. The way Ronan sat, his body tense and ready to hit something, was so familiar to the night after his mother died. Adam had crawled in the passenger seat and slept beside the dreamer boy but he didn’t need to now. This was a moment when he needed neck-breaking speeds and adrenaline.

Ronan nodded once. Opal waved from the front porch as he reversed violently and shot back down the driveway to a vacant field kept for this. Adam made Opal a sandwich as they waited for Ronan to return.

Twenty minutes later he did. He still walked with his head down and looked at the world though his eye lashes but his movements weren’t as erratic. He threw his jacket on the back of a chair and unbuttoned his sleeves, rolling them up to his elbows.

“Go play or some shit,” he told Opal. He gave her a look when she protested and the slid away from the table. Adam pulled Ronan against him, kissing him firmly.

“Feel better?” he asked.

Ronan shrugged. “Yes and no.”

“Same.” He hummed. “I’ve been thinking.”

“Shit,” Ronan said with a shake of his head. “Now what?”

“Fuck you,” Adam replied, punching his chest gently. “I think I know what I want to do when I’m done with school. Like, what I want to focus on.”

Ronan’s eyes went to the countertop behind Adam. “Really?”

“Boyd’s son is a farmer like you,” he said. “Well, a real farmer. He has to actually grow crops and everything, he can’t just play with animals all day.” He smirked, knowing which buttons of Ronan’s he could push. “But some of his equipment keeps breaking down because they’re so old. And they’re incredibly expensive to buy.”

Ronan waited.

“So I want to create new machines that are designed to be more efficient in their use, more gas efficient, and less likely to rust and break down. I don’t know if there’s much of a job field for that but I want to try. And it doesn’t have to be only farming equipment, I can do things for car repair shops and factories and people working incredibly labor-intensive jobs to make their lives a little easier.”

Ronan cocked his head to the side. “You want to create what you needed in high school.”

Adam paused. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Where do you want to do this?” he asked, extracting himself from Adam’s arms and going to the fridge. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No thanks. And I need to be around farming areas so it doesn’t make much sense to do this near school or the city.” He swallowed. “I would like to do it here, if that’s okay.”

Ronan didn’t turn around. He didn’t reach for the water pitcher either; he just stood in the opening of the door, cold air pouring into the room. “Are you sure?”

“I don’t have to,” Adam said. “I figured I’d ask first since you’d probably kill me if I didn’t. I’ll see what else is around.”

“There’s a moderate sized barn an acre or so from here. It’s got a lot of my dad’s junk in it but you can have it.”

“Are you sure?” Adam said, echoing Ronan’s words.

Ronan turned his head so his profile was sharp against the light from inside the refrigerator. “Would I have said it if I didn’t mean it?”

“Normally you look at me when offering big gifts I can never repay. I’m pretty sure you still enjoy making me uncomfortable.”

He scoffed. “For fuck’s sake, Adam. You can pay me rent if it matters that much.”

“How much would it be? A blowjob and a fuck a month?” He smiled when he saw Ronan’s mouth quirk up.

“Don’t undersell me. A blowjob and two fucks a week. At least.” He finally turned and leaned against the metal fridge doors. Over his shoulder carefully taped to the top corner of the fridge was the original bright crayon drawing Opal had done of them, the one Ronan had copied onto his forearm.

“Does last night count?”

“We didn’t have this agreement last night,” Ronan countered. “Therefore any previous actions are considered to be out- dated and unusable.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Spoken like someone who spends too much time at a lawyer’s.”

He shrugged. “I wanted the Will to be real.” He crossed the kitchen to cup Adam’s face and kiss him. “You positive you want to do this?”

Adam could see the pulse in Ronan’s neck, the way he held his breath and was pretending he wasn’t. This wasn’t about starting an engineering company or using a dusty barn. This was about promising more than he ever had. He wet his lips and kissed the tip of Ronan’s nose. “I’m positive about you.”

It made Ronan exhale deeply, his nose flaring slightly as he started breathing again. “Good.”

“Are you guys kissing again or can I come in?” Opal stood at the hallway entrance wearing a dress Blue had passed along to her. It was a dark green and long sleeved. Blue had attacked it with scissors and cut diamonds around the waist and just above the bottom hem. The sleeves had large diamonds on each arm and smaller ones around the wrists. It wasn’t her typical “slash and gash” method from high school but it looked good. A more refined individuality.

“Come on over,” Adam said as he pulled away from Ronan after a peck on the lips.

“That man was your dad, right? The man at the funeral?” she asked as she pulled out some Legos from her box.

Adam joined her on the floor and nodded.

“Do you have to be with him ever again?”

“No.”

“Good. I don’t like him.”

“It’s okay, Opal. You don’t need to dislike him. I hope you never see him again.”

She shook her head. “He scared you though. I could feel it like how I can feel Ronan’s nightmares. He scared you and I didn’t like it. I remembered when I first got here and I was scared you gave me your watch.” Pausing, she looked at her empty wrist. “I kind of chewed it too much and broke the strap but still you did something nice for me when I didn’t know what to do so I wanted to tell you something that would make you happy.” Opal glanced at Ronan who was still a few yards away in the kitchen, watching them. “Dad said that you shouldn’t go around telling people you love them if you don’t. You have to keep those words for important people like Blue or Gansey or him. So that’s why I saved them for you too.”

She dropped where she stood, tucking her hooves underneath herself. “I want to build a castle. Will you help me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there are any issues, please let me know. Thanks for reading! I'm reasontobebrave on tumblr


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